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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

THE RAZOR CUTS


     Greetings, my dear friends. I have had quite a busy summer, not to mention the most amazing year of my life. As of today, I have been 15 moths living full time as my real identity, 11 months with my legal name and change of sex, and 10 months on hormones, 4 months in therapy. I am soon to embark on my first vacation as Leah. From September 2 until the 24th, I will be in Utah. So book now for your piece of the action with me.I'm going to Comicon, and Affirmation, is all I know for sure. Some hiking in Bryce and Zion, and the Wasatch, or better yet, the High Uintas, is paramount. September 13, I consider my ReBirthday, as that was when I was legally declared Leahnorah, and a Female., I will be 1. That will be big.

     I have been getting a lot out of my therapy sessions every Wednesday at Noon. I have made quite a lot of progress already. Much of the PTSD, Trauma, Rape and Abuse is still to come, and is the first thing to be covered when I return from Utah. I have been thinking about some of my past rape and abuse, since having been a target of sexual assault not once, but twice this summer. I have written a poem about one such case. It has hurt me for decades, and I vow to conquer it this year, and move forward with my life.

     WARNING:  Mature subject matter. Triggers ( long term rape, molestation,and abuse)

                                                           THE RAZOR CUTS

Dreaming in my dreaming, sisterly things all in my head
not understanding, why I am.
sister has all I have, she is pink, I am blue
she a ballerina, I a bear cub.
Dreaming in my dreaming, by day and by night
always pretending, being someone I'm not.

I see mom, I see dad, I see sister, I see brother
this is not really happening.....not really.
Knowing I am me, I have a secret I must keep
knowing I'm a she, no one would believe, it cannot be.
I want long hair, but deaf ears for a barber
it's boy cuts for you son, crew crew crew.

Years pass, still dreaming in my dreaming
now with means to express my reality
going to stores, I'm just a kid
they won't suspect, I shop for me, myself and I.
Delivering morning news at 4 am, pretty girly frilly I am
Razor sees, Razor knows, Razor plans, Razor goes.

Razor says, fun fun fun, we can have the time of our lives.
Cure, frou-frou, sissy, Lu-Lu
Promises promises, you can have them all.
Promises, happiness, excitement--in the sun
Prettiest dress I ever did see
Have it, wear it, you'll have a ball

Movie--Sunshine--Vast darkness swells
Micky Mouse--Psychedelic--Rainbows-- Hippies
Animation, pretending, why can't I like it?
Lonely girl sitting all quiet, pretty as can be
never been so happy, happy as can be.
I am me....me in broad daylight, never been done before.

Micky Mouse movie, why can't I like it?
Sitting in the corner, never been so dark
Why the edge, the back, so out of the way, no one around?
A creeping growing chasm is sucking me in:
A chasm of darkness
a chasm of fear
a chasm of horror
a chasm of emnity
a chasm from humanity
a chasm from familiar
a chasm from love
a chasm from empathy
a chasm from compassion

     Razor cracks
     Razor beats
     Razor Kills
     Razor smells
     Razor brings all hell on earth
     Fire--brimstone--apocolypse--cataclysm
     Filth--wickedness--hand of Razor
          on my thigh, on my breast
          Oh My God, who are you now?

Razor's got me in his grasp,
"Touch This", my ears bleed
slashed with a thousand stabs.
"Touch This", straight and narrow
"Touch This", rod of wickedness.
Stroke me, stroke me--that's The Razor.....cutting, burning, stunning, shocking, killing.

Lightning bolt eternal, forever and ever, never ceasing
continuing forever, hells never imagined, hells never dreamed.
Lightning and lava, splashing all over
Lightning and lava, running through my body
descending into oblivion--turning to winter
OH MY GOD, nowhere to hide, crying, sobbing, I tremble
     I'VE BEEN CUT--I'M GONNA DIE

As doomsday, my hand is bleeding, my backside is bleeding
My heart is bleeding, my soul is bleeding
My girl is bleeding all over my dress
Milky thick dross, spread all over
My secret is dead
My God! My God! I AM CUT....RAZOR KILLED ME TONIGHT

Leah Isaak


     And so goes the razor, part one.