There are so many things I need to catch everybody up on. But first of all, I need to start dealing with the thing that has caused me the most distress in my life. So here goes.
I would like to share what I posted in a group a couple nights ago, that many people are asking me about. Instead of sharing it individually with everyone, here on my blog. I want to share with all those I know. I have no secrets. No so called 'TBM' family members to hide anything from. These are my real feelings, and they are really hurting me.
Trigger Warning: I am not self inhibiting myself here. I'm pretty damned hurt, and I sure as heck am not ready to make nice. I love all my friends, be they inside, transitioning, or fully outside the church, or outside every faith altogether now. My intention is only to discuss my feelings, and no other purpose. Not to hurt anyone, least of all. Many of the things I am now revealing, is new information to a lot of you. You need to know, I'm not arriving at these feelings out of the blue. Nothing has snapped inside of me. No epiphany has been realized yet. I want to be very clear, that I cannot bear to abide this sadistic status quo for much longer. It is doing no one any good. The following is true, and is actually what has been said and done to me. Many people who are privy to this information can vouch for this. A very prominent woman in Mormon Feminist Circles, and my close friend, has witnessed some of this while the Bishop and Stake President were talking to me. She sat with me in their office.
I am noticing that although I suffered a crime of violence against me a couple weeks
ago, and it has retriggered all my past trauma of being raped, molested and abused for years, that my anxiety, depression and ill feelings caused by my faith crisis
(religiosity crisis, religious dogma struggle) far surpass everything else. I feel compelled to organize a Mormon faith that would be absent all the Salt Lake headquartered LDS Church Bull Shit, that any Liberal or reasonable person knows is inately wrong. I don't want to just leave, and go into oblivion, leaving a Mormon Church that is absent one more voice for love, empathy, compassion, inclusion, and non-judgement. Why should all the conservative GOP voting, MSDS, Mormons get to lay claim to Mormonism. They are not followers of Christ. Nothing they do is Christ-like. They are absent Faith (thinking it to be a noun, instead of the action verb it is), absent Hope (things are always so bad, always so sour, dour, scroogy, grinchy, grouchy...'My Shit Don't Stink" attitudes), and even absent Charity (The Pure Love of Christ.....if you love me, treat everyone as if they ARE me, said Jesus).
No, instead these so called, 'TBMs' spurn Charity, and readily, willfully, and proudly usurp the job of God, and place judgement on others.....and far too many of the GA approve, or acquiesce to this self divination, and anti-Christic behaviors, hegemonies, ideologies, religiosities, and dogmas. Additionally, they usurp our free agency, and the free agency of all people, by the heretical violation of our own doctrines and teachings, via the forcably co-opting of the entire population into membership of our church, by expecting them to comply with our churches doctrine, and mis-applications of our doctrines through through heinously bigoted policies.
I'm sorry for my rant. I am just a hot mess because I'm losing my religion, and I don't know what to do. I will never be atheist, and I abhor most other religiosities. I am a very spiritual person, and I need to feel a part of something. To be stripped of participating in Hometeaching and Visiting Teaching, something I have done for 39 years, and to be stripped of them coming to visit me, for the past year, is extremely painful. To be stripped of partaking of the sacrament and taking the name of Christ upon myself, or praying, speaking, or giving testimony, attending Sunday School, Relief Society or Priesthood, all for the past 7 months, is a hit to my heart. To have an SP tell me, "you pass the Temple Recommend interview, and I believe you. You are not sinning, and you are not being sanctioned or disfellowshipped, however, these things will remain in place until you repent, and renounce this last year, and recognize that you are a man, you will always be a man, and listen to me read you these verses about Korihir.........you are like Korihor. You are an Anti-Christ".....to my face! That was a religioistic murder......that really killed me.
My heart and soul is crying out in tremendous pain. What can I do? Nothing has changed in these 7 months. I attend sacrament faithfully, and do not partake, because I have been asked not to. I leave after Sacrament, after reaching out to as many people as I can, and they wisk me out of the sancuary where Sunday School, Gospel Doctrine, is held. I hang in the foyer talking to people for a while, but nothing ever comes of it. Nobody reaches back for me. None of the many other Trans people that used to come, attend anymore. A markedly fewer amount of gay and lesbian people now attend as well. This was supposed to be the most liberal ward in the entire Church. No. Not even close. It isn't even the most liberal, pro TLGBQ in Oregon.
So I am left with this conundrum. I have been told, I am not sinning, and I am not in trouble, or being sanctioned. I hold the Priesthood, and have not been asked to stop utilizing it.That's right. I am a woman who actively holds the Priesthood. Am I just supposed to be an acquiescent little patsy, and let them continue to hurt me, while nothing ever changes. They say I am living the Standards, I have full standing, yet the things they have asked of me, put me squarely in a sound proof room of invisibility, with no expectation of anyone ever visiting me from the Church, or me ever visiting them. They know they are required to love me, and I see this is hurting them, but still nothing changes. I continue to shower and pour my heart full of kindness, love, empathy and compassion upon them. It appears this is a great standoff, that I'm losing interest in. I have finally had enough of it.
This was a Life Event I posted just an hour ago:
BECAME A UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST TODAY
Today was my second time attending this downtown Portland congregation. I went with 7 Transitioning Mormon Women. It was the most awesome feeling of community and family I have ever felt. The spirit testified so strongly to me today that I could not contain all of it, and a lot of it leaked out of my eyes.
This is the right place for me right now, and I have a personal revelation and witness of this. I will still advocate for TLGBQ and Women's full standing of inclusion in all LDS Levels including Priest or Priestesshood.
The most important thing is that I am Happy, and I am very hopeful of making the world a better place. I know that I AM ENOUGH.
So I am progressing.....growing, moving forward, kicking against the pricks. I refuse to be sent down the river without a paddle, heading to the waters of endless torment, and status quo oblivion. I'm actually going to let the Chaff of my life GO! If it's not progressing forward, it is going backwards. Doubt is the family of Faith. We should not spurn doubt while embracing cynicism, pessimism, and absolutism. Just the opposite, but that's not my experience in 51 years in the Church. They are always "Things are just so bad. The world is such an awful place", we need to clique and klan up, be exclusivist and supremacist. So sour dour, scroogy, stingy, grinchy, grouchy, and most of all arrogant, and neo-pharisite. NO! I can never do that. No God I will ever care to worship ever wants such an attitude, ideology or belief system. Spurn that cynicism and pessimism, embrace doubt. My faith is growing because of that, not diminishing. I am more devout than ever, more hopeful than ever. Things are getting better every day.
To be Continued.........
All My Love,
Leahnora, Leah, Transbopeep