Saturday, January 4, 2014
THE COLD STAIRWAY: ONE YEAR REMOVED w/ poem, Come What May
Come What May
Ohhhhh Life! Isn't it strange?
A turn of the page
A beautiful smile
A warm embrace
Nothing can deny me my golden age
Ohhhhh Life, Isn't it strange?
Change changing places
hurt and misunderstanding
people I love and all of their faces
Ohhhhh Life, Isn't it strange?
miss the ones left behind
pity parties, self despair
wise refrain of knowing to be kind
Ohhhhh life, Isn't it strange?
Need to heed the divine epiphany
hopes and dreams
I hear the sweet symphony
Ohhhh life, It sure is strange?
But I like it, all through the day
I love it
I embrace all it has to offer
Come what may, I'm here to stay
I just thought I'd start off with a short poem. So, as you might tell, I've been going through many changes as of late. More precisely I have been enduring massive change and upheaval for the past one year exactly. Everyone remembers me going up those cold basement stairs to face the impending music and doom, on December 31, 2012. That was my sisters birthday, she would have been 34. She committed suicide at age 14. I wanted to honor her memory, and be true to myself, end my guileful life, and become the authentic person I was meant to be. By any measure, this past year has been the most successful of my entire life. And that's primarily due to the last 7 months, of being genuine, authentic, and true to who I've always known myself to be.
I've seen some pushback on internet commentary, saying, "there is no commandment to be our authentic selves", I thought this is the weakest and most pathetic example of people thinking they have carte-blanche to just live a life of lying, and as a fake human being. It seems to me, so obvious. Didn't I hear that, not lying made it in the top 10? Isn't, "thou shalt not lie" a top 10 commandment? I don't recall ever seeing, "thou shalt not be TLGBQI", or even, "thou shalt condemn and discriminate all TLGBQI people". Those last two didn't even make the top 100. In fact, I see zero argument for it even being a commandment at all. By adhering to such beliefs and actions, they expose themselves to myriad weaknesses. I, on the other hand, know that I was an out and out liar. I lied about who I was. That is the biggest lie it is ever possible to make in this existence. it is not possible to lie bigger than guileful deception, of one's own identity.
Coming to the end of the most amazing year of my life, I just want to make it clear, that I am certain I have made the correct decisions, about my identity, and how to resolve them. I chose the only healthy option for me. I transitioned to full time, as my true self. I have never experienced such happiness as this before, in all my life. I'm finally free. The only choice involved in my life, was the choice to stop ACTING ON being a liar.
Nothing else is a choice, and nothing else is ACTING ON IT. Period.
That being said, I have to say that 2013 was a remarkable year. It was my most successful spiritual year, my most successful religious year, as well as obtaining the best job and doing the best work of my life. I went from 99 friends to 1400, my forum went from 0 to near 500, my life went viral, and now it's googleable. I made dozens of close and serious friends, and a handful of potentially lifetime friends, so close I consider family, and best friends. I spent several wonderful holidays with my friends, in joyful rejoicing and splendid company. I attended numerous parties, activities, meet-ups, and get togethers. I marched in 4 PRIDE Parades, and enjoyed the festivals. I visited dozens of facebook friends on my walkabout, which was the most amazing trip I have ever taken. They were all genuine people who were absolutely amazing. I got to speak at a University, and in a Conference. I visited my two favorite places on Earth, Bryce Canyon, and San Francisco. I returned to my beloved Pacific Northwest. It has hardly ever rained since I got here, or at anytime since I left Akron at the end of May.
I arrived in Portland August 2, 2013. I applied for my legal name and legal change of sex. those things were made official on September 13, 2013. I started hormones, officially on October 13, 2013. After less than 3 months, I already have quite remarkable results of breast growth, softer skin, all over, and less body hair. also, the hormones have enabled me to discontinue a blood pressure medication, because my body was starving for the correct hormonal balance. I have moved for the 5th time, since moving to Portland. It is a wonderful place to be, and I'm surrounded by dozens of the most kind and loving women who absolutely adore me. I'm on track to get all the help and assistance I need. For the first time in my life, I will have full access to care, thanks to President Barack Obama, and the hard work of everyone who campaigned for him and worked their tails off to ensure he'd have the chance to do this work, both in his election and re-election. I have the fondest memories of those campaigns, but more so, 2012, when I began coming out to everyone.
With my living arrangements, I am accomplishing many goals, that would otherwise be so much more difficult. Saving a higher percentage of my paychecks, getting access to care, getting assistance with move-in expenses, getting assistance with housing for at least two years, and so much more. The experiences i have being surrounded by all these women is invaluable to me. I'm learning all the intracacies and neauances of being female, I would in no other way ever learn about. That alone is well worth not having my own private space....heck, I had 18 years of that, and a girl cave I got to dress up any way I felt.....it's not what it's cracked up to be. I do plan to obtain my own place alone, or with a roommate by sometime this Spring. I know I want to work on the Oregon United for Marriage campaign until election day this coming November.
2014 will be yet another year of monumental and remarkable change. I welcome it, I embrace it fully. I know I am no longer a liar, and my salvation is no longer in jeopardy. Life is so strange, but it is miraculous, wonderful and beautiful. Things are getting better, things are getting better every day.
I am free.