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Saturday, January 4, 2014

THE COLD STAIRWAY: ONE YEAR REMOVED w/ poem, Come What May





Come What May

Ohhhhh Life! Isn't it strange?
A turn of the page
A beautiful smile
A warm embrace
Nothing can deny me my golden age

Ohhhhh Life, Isn't it strange?
Change changing places
sad disappointment
hurt and misunderstanding
people I love and all of their faces

Ohhhhh Life, Isn't it strange?
miss the ones left behind
wallowing doldrums
pity parties, self despair
wise refrain of knowing to be kind

Ohhhhh life, Isn't it strange?
Need to heed the divine epiphany
hopes and dreams
successful potentials
I hear the sweet symphony

Ohhhh life, It sure is strange?
But I like it, all through the day
I love it
I embrace all it has to offer
Come what may, I'm here to stay


     I just thought I'd start off with a short poem. So, as you might tell, I've been going through many changes as of late. More precisely I have been enduring massive change and upheaval for the past one year exactly. Everyone remembers me going up those cold basement stairs to face the impending music and doom, on December 31, 2012. That was my sisters birthday, she would have been 34. She committed suicide at age 14. I wanted to honor her memory, and be true to myself, end my guileful life, and become the authentic person I was meant to be. By any measure, this past year has been the most successful of my entire life. And that's primarily due to the last 7 months, of being genuine, authentic, and true to who I've always known myself to be.

I've seen some pushback on internet commentary, saying, "there is no commandment to be our authentic selves", I thought this is the weakest and most pathetic example of people thinking they have carte-blanche to just live a life of lying, and as a fake human being. It seems to me, so obvious. Didn't I hear that, not lying made it in the top 10? Isn't, "thou shalt not lie" a top 10 commandment? I don't recall ever seeing, "thou shalt not be TLGBQI", or even, "thou shalt condemn and discriminate all TLGBQI people". Those last two didn't even make the top 100. In fact, I see zero argument for it even being a commandment at all. By adhering to such beliefs and actions, they expose themselves to myriad weaknesses. I, on the other hand, know that I was an out and out liar. I lied about who I was. That is the biggest lie it is ever possible to make in this existence. it is not possible to lie bigger than guileful deception, of one's own identity.

Coming to the end of the most amazing year of my life, I just want to make it clear, that I am certain I have made the correct decisions, about my identity, and how to resolve them. I chose the only healthy option for me. I transitioned to full time, as my true self. I have never experienced such happiness as this before, in all my life. I'm finally free. The only choice involved in my life, was the choice to stop ACTING ON being a liar.
Nothing else is a choice, and nothing else is ACTING ON IT. Period.

That being said, I have to say that 2013 was a remarkable year. It was my most successful spiritual year, my most successful religious year, as well as obtaining the best job and doing the best work of my life. I went from 99 friends to 1400, my forum went from 0 to near 500, my life went viral, and now it's googleable. I made dozens of close and serious friends, and a handful of potentially lifetime friends, so close I consider family, and best friends. I spent several wonderful holidays with my friends, in joyful rejoicing and splendid company. I attended numerous parties, activities, meet-ups, and get togethers. I marched in 4 PRIDE Parades, and enjoyed the festivals. I visited dozens of facebook friends on my walkabout, which was the most amazing trip I have ever taken. They were all genuine people who were absolutely amazing. I got to speak at a University, and in a Conference. I visited my two favorite places on Earth, Bryce Canyon, and San Francisco. I returned to my beloved Pacific Northwest. It has hardly ever rained since I got here, or at anytime since I left Akron at the end of May.

I arrived in Portland August 2, 2013. I applied for my legal name and legal change of sex. those things were made official on September 13, 2013. I started hormones, officially on October 13, 2013. After less than 3 months, I already have quite remarkable results of breast growth, softer skin, all over, and less body hair. also, the hormones have enabled me to discontinue a blood pressure medication, because my body was starving for the correct hormonal balance. I have moved for the 5th time, since moving to Portland. It is a wonderful place to be, and I'm surrounded by dozens of the most kind and loving women who absolutely adore me. I'm on track to get all the help and assistance I need. For the first time in my life, I will have full access to care, thanks to President Barack Obama, and the hard work of everyone who campaigned for him and worked their tails off to ensure he'd have the chance to do this work, both in his election and re-election. I have the fondest memories of those campaigns, but more so, 2012, when I began coming out to everyone.

With my living arrangements, I am accomplishing many goals, that would otherwise be so much more difficult. Saving a higher percentage of my paychecks, getting access to care, getting assistance with move-in expenses, getting assistance with housing for at least two years, and so much more. The experiences i have being surrounded by all these women is invaluable to me. I'm learning all the intracacies and neauances of being female, I would in no other way ever learn about. That alone is well worth not having my own private space....heck, I had 18 years of that, and a girl cave I got to dress up any way I felt.....it's not what it's cracked up to be. I do plan to obtain my own place alone, or with a roommate by sometime this Spring. I know I want to work on the Oregon United for Marriage campaign until election day this coming November.

2014 will be yet another year of monumental and remarkable change. I welcome it, I embrace it fully. I know I am no longer a liar, and my salvation is no longer in jeopardy. Life is so strange, but it is miraculous, wonderful and beautiful. Things are getting better, things are getting better every day.

I am free.

Faithfully Yours,

Leah

4 comments:

  1. Oh Leah, this is just beautiful. What an uplifting post.

    I think you hit the nail on the head with your response to "But there's no commandment to be our authentic selves". I'd say that most certainly falls under "Thou shalt not bear false witness". I also think it falls under what Jesus said are the two greatest commandments, upon which hang all the law and the prophets: Love God, for one, love Him through being yourself and living as yourself. But also, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself"? If I don't love myself, how can I fulfill this command in any type of positive way? Love yourself and the people around you enough to be you, to let the world know who you REALLY are.

    God created you. Don't hide his handiwork, show it off. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dearest Esther,

      I want to give you my deepest thanks for your beautiful comments to this blog post. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that when we are not being our true authentic selves, than we are in direct violation of probably 7 of the top 10 commandments, and indirectly, all of them, encluding hundreds of other commandments, that didn't make the top 10.

      Your comment, "God created you, don't hide his handiwork", is a keeper. I view his handiwork, as the "Talents" that we have been given. Do we bury them, keep them in darkness, hidden in closets, or do we let them shine forth before the world...the "handiwork", our Talents, our "Light"....it all needs to be shining in this beautiful world....for all the world to see. There has never been, is not now, and never will be another you.

      You Gotta BE REAL!
      You will be free!

      Love,

      Leah

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  2. In the entire time that I've known you, you've always been such a brave, strong, compassionate person, and I'm so happy for you that you truly can express who you really are, and that you can keep your amazing smile going!

    My family and I have been so blessed to know you, and I know that if Dad were still here, he'd be cheering for you just like we are! <3

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  3. You know something is true by the works produced. Your works the past few months are amazing. There is no question this is the correct path for you. This is you and I predict that you'll only get better with time.

    There is no commandment to be our authentic selves? Huh??? Did I miss something somewhere? I believe the church does teach that, not is those exact words, of course. Just yesterday in S.S. we talked about the need to be the person Father created us to be, to be our best selves. I guarantee, that other guy was far from my best self, not even close! Father didn't make us to be fakes or partial people! Somebody does not understand the gospel of Jesus Christ.

    ReplyDelete