Saturday, April 13, 2013
IT IS FINISHED: No One Speaks My Language
I posted this as a status, but I feel I should have it on record here. I need to record more of my true feelings, and this bears some of them out. The picture is from last Sunday, after attending Church the first time as myself, part 1, at the UUC of Akron. Part 2 will be my first time at an LDS Ward. Part 3 will be my fist time at my new, forthcoming home Ward in Portland. Anyhoo, the wind is blowing up my skirt, and I feel so nice.
So, today is the 13th of April. In exactly one month I will be 50! But it will really be the First birthday I can celebrate as myself. I feel like I'm only 15, or 17, sometimes 13 or 19, but never 50, 40 or even 30. I know I'm really broken, and that I haven't lived as any human has lived for far too long.
I was upstairs today, to fix myself something to eat. I could hear my family watching Star Trek: The Next Generation in the living room. I popped in there, as I usually do, because i never ignore my family. I said, "Hello", and they were all stone faced on the couch. My soon to be "ex" wife, and 2 of my 3 daughters. They said nothing to me. They always pause the TV anytime I come around, like I am interrupting their lives, like a pest, a parasite, a huge bother. They said nothing back this time. Not even a peep! IT IS FINISHED!! I have no Family, and maybe never did. I tell you, no one should ever be made to feel as I did today.
I have been through the windshield of a car, and I would rather do that again, than experience such a repudiation from people I love and care about. It just really really hurts. My heart is dying because it has too much unused, and unshared love. I feel it rotting, and decaying my heart and soul. I'm forgetting how to love and how to be human. My facade is hiding such pain and sorrow, I can barely contain it.
Saturday evenings should be with family and friends. I haven't shared couples friendships for 20 years. I so miss the fun and games we had for the first 5 years of our marriage. Everyone knew to be our friends for the most enjoyable evenings, whether it was family and neighborhood street hockey tournaments (I have 40 sticks, and jerseys), hiking in the Cascades, pic-nicking on the Pacific Beaches, craming for a drive in movie, playing Monopoly or Risk or Take Off all night long, dinner parties....these are all things humans do. I have not had the life of a human for far too long.
Today I learned my Love Language is Touch and Quality Time, both the highest. This proves I have been unable to even speak my language to anybody on this Earth. I am a foreigner who cannot be understood by anyone. I am a freak, i am a creep, and i am alone. I've let 2 decades pass without Touch or Quality Time, or even Affirmation, my secondary language. Love, Empathy, Compassion, and understanding are my core values. Some of you have messaged me recently remarking how amazingly full of those things I am. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kindness you show me. Without those kind affirmations in my life, I would truly be sinking into depression and despair. Just today, your words have saved my life. For if I didn't know it before, I know it now....It Is Finished. I have no family.
My Dear Best Friend and my Sister sent me a card yesterday. It says on the front..."Friends are family You Choose For Yourself". I am choosing very wisely, for my family that I now discern, I would not trade for anything in the world. You mean so much to me, I need to cry, for It makes me so happy to have you in my life. I hurt so bad, but feel so good. CONUNDRUM.
I am glad to have received those kind messages, and friendly chats. It put me in the mood I needed to be in to start my Fast, for my friend. I started a 50 Day Fast for her to get spinal surgery, and for her to recover from it. This will be Day 37, my 7th official day, and 10th overall. I have about 20 people helping me, and a growing group. It has spawned a real movement, FASTING FOR FRIENDS AND DIVINE PURPOSES, a facebook group and page and event. My Group TRANSGENDER MORMONS AND ALLIES has been growing and expanding too. I am so proud of what we are doing and of what we are capable of doing. I invite all of you to join me in both these forums.
I hope you are having a wonderful evening, and a fabulous weekend.
All My Love and Tenderness,
https://www.facebook.com/groups/143551689156243/ FASTING FOR FRIENDS AND DIVINE PURPOSES , facebook group.
https://www.facebook.com/FastingForFriendsDivinePurposes facebook Page
https://www.facebook.com/events/545965422092906/ Continuous 50 Day Fast For Julia Taylor, EVENT
https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/ TRANSGENDER MORMONS AND ALLIES, facebook Group.
Please consider this your invitation to join all of my groups. You don't have to be a Mormon, just a friend. In my Trans Group, I hope you would at a minimum, be an Ally to the Transgender/Transsexual community.
Between now and my Birthday, May 13, I will have begun my Walkabout: My Epic Journey of Self Discovery. I will have transitioned to Full Time as myself, and I will have begun meeting my friends, virtually all of you for the First time. Although we have not met, I know we are Family. I am very excited about my new life and all the possibilities.
I want to have most of my route planned out before I leave, so i can give everyone dates to plan for my arrival. If you want to see me, let me know please, because i definitely want to see you, and will make every effort to do so. Me tentative plan is to leave in Early May and head straight from Akron, to Kansas City. From there, possibly to Lawton, Oklahoma, or Colorado. From there to Utah in late May, and Pride. Leaving Utah in early June to SE Idaho, June 7-13, Boise, June 14-23, and Boise pride June 15, Northern California in late June and San Francisco Pride, and to Portland to settle by mid July. Everything is subject to change as my job situation in Oregon requires. If any of these places or my routes are going to take me anywhere near you, please let me know, as I will need rides to each place I am traveling, I may not be able to afford bus, unless i get an unlimited pass.
I have a site at GoFundMe, which is my fundraiser to help me go to these Conferences to educate myself about trans issues and LGBT issues so I Can work full time on LGBT Civil Rights, which I know is my calling. I need help going to these conferences and Pride Activities and to help me relocate to Oregon, and start my new life, for the First time as my Best True Self. Please consider helping me:
http://www.gofundme.com/2jncmg This is the link to my fundraiser for helping me out with my Walkabout, Trans-Conferences, Pride, and relocation.
Thank you for your consideration, and even if you can't help me out today, just being my friend means a lot to me. I am so very grateful to have all of you in my life.