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Saturday, April 13, 2013

IT IS FINISHED: No One Speaks My Language



I posted this as a status, but I feel I should have it on record here. I need to record more of my true feelings, and this bears some of them out. The picture is from last Sunday, after attending Church the first time as myself, part 1, at the UUC of Akron. Part 2 will be my first time at an LDS Ward. Part 3 will be my fist time at my new, forthcoming home Ward in Portland. Anyhoo, the wind is blowing up my skirt, and I feel so nice.

So, today is the 13th of April. In exactly one month I will be 50! But it will really be the First birthday I can celebrate as myself. I feel like I'm only 15, or 17, sometimes 13 or 19, but never 50, 40 or even 30. I know I'm really broken, and that I haven't lived as any human has lived for far too long.

I was upstairs today, to fix myself something to eat. I could hear my family watching Star Trek: The Next Generation in the living room. I popped in there, as I usually do, because i never ignore my family. I said, "Hello", and they were all stone faced on the couch. My soon to be "ex" wife, and 2 of my 3 daughters. They said nothing to me. They always pause the TV anytime I come around, like I am interrupting their lives, like a pest, a parasite, a huge bother. They said nothing back this time. Not even a peep! IT IS FINISHED!! I have no Family, and maybe never did. I tell you, no one should ever be made to feel as I did today.

I have been through the windshield of a car, and I would rather do that again, than experience such a repudiation from people I love and care about. It just really really hurts. My heart is dying because it has too much unused, and unshared love. I feel it rotting, and decaying my heart and soul. I'm forgetting how to love and how to be human. My facade is hiding such pain and sorrow, I can barely contain it.

Saturday evenings should be with family and friends. I haven't shared couples friendships for 20 years. I so miss the fun and games we had for the first 5 years of our marriage. Everyone knew to be our friends for the most enjoyable evenings, whether it was family and neighborhood street hockey tournaments (I have 40 sticks, and jerseys), hiking in the Cascades, pic-nicking on the Pacific Beaches, craming for a drive in movie, playing Monopoly or Risk or Take Off all night long, dinner parties....these are all things humans do. I have not had the life of a human for far too long.

Today I learned my Love Language is Touch and Quality Time, both the highest. This proves I have been unable to even speak my language to anybody on this Earth. I am a foreigner who cannot be understood by anyone. I am a freak, i am a creep, and i am alone. I've let 2 decades pass without Touch or Quality Time, or even Affirmation, my secondary language. Love, Empathy, Compassion, and understanding are my core values. Some of you have messaged me recently remarking how amazingly full of those things I am. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kindness you show me. Without those kind affirmations in my life, I would truly be sinking into depression and despair. Just today, your words have saved my life. For if I didn't know it before, I know it now....It Is Finished. I have no family.

My Dear Best Friend and my Sister sent me a card yesterday. It says on the front..."Friends are family You Choose For Yourself". I am choosing very wisely, for my family that I now discern, I would not trade for anything in the world. You mean so much to me, I need to cry, for It makes me so happy to have you in my life. I hurt so bad, but feel so good. CONUNDRUM.

I am glad to have received those kind messages, and friendly chats. It put me in the mood I needed to be in to start my Fast, for my friend. I started a 50 Day Fast for her to get spinal surgery, and for her to recover from it. This will be Day 37, my 7th official day, and 10th overall. I have about 20 people helping me, and a growing group. It has spawned a real movement, FASTING FOR FRIENDS AND DIVINE PURPOSES, a facebook group and page and event. My Group TRANSGENDER MORMONS AND ALLIES has been growing and expanding too. I am so proud of what we are doing and of what we are capable of doing. I invite all of you to join me in both these forums.

I hope you are having a wonderful evening, and a fabulous weekend.

All My Love and Tenderness,

Leah





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https://www.facebook.com/groups/143551689156243/   FASTING FOR FRIENDS AND DIVINE PURPOSES , facebook group.

https://www.facebook.com/FastingForFriendsDivinePurposes  facebook Page

https://www.facebook.com/events/545965422092906/  Continuous 50 Day Fast For Julia Taylor, EVENT

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https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/  TRANSGENDER MORMONS AND ALLIES, facebook Group.

Please consider this your invitation to join all of my groups. You don't have to be a Mormon, just a friend. In my Trans Group, I hope you would at a minimum, be an Ally to the Transgender/Transsexual community.

Between now and my Birthday, May 13, I will have begun my Walkabout: My Epic Journey of Self Discovery. I will have transitioned to Full Time as myself, and I will have begun meeting my friends, virtually all of you for the First time. Although we have not met, I know we are Family. I am very excited about my new life and all the possibilities.

I want to have most of my route planned out before I leave, so i can give everyone dates to plan for my arrival. If you want to see me, let me know please, because i definitely want to see you, and will make every effort to do so. Me tentative plan is to leave in Early May and head straight from Akron, to Kansas City. From there, possibly to Lawton, Oklahoma, or Colorado. From there to Utah in late May, and Pride. Leaving Utah in early June to SE Idaho, June 7-13, Boise, June 14-23, and Boise pride June 15, Northern California in late June and San Francisco Pride, and to Portland to settle by mid July. Everything is subject to change as my job situation in Oregon requires. If any of these places or my routes are going to take me anywhere near you, please let me know, as I will need rides to each place I am traveling, I may not be able to afford bus, unless i get an unlimited pass.

I have a site at GoFundMe, which is my fundraiser to help me go to these Conferences to educate myself about trans issues and LGBT issues so I Can work full time on LGBT Civil Rights, which I know is my calling. I need help going to these conferences and Pride Activities and to help me relocate to Oregon, and start my new life, for the First time as my Best True Self. Please consider helping me:

 http://www.gofundme.com/2jncmg   This is the link to my fundraiser for helping me out  with my Walkabout, Trans-Conferences, Pride, and relocation.

Thank you for your consideration, and even if you can't help me out today, just being my friend means a lot to me. I am so very grateful to have all of you in my life.


7 comments:

  1. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} Love ya, Leah! You are such a brave lady. You know full well God love you as well.

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    1. Thank you so much, Annetta. I am so grateful to have your friendship and your kindness and love for me. I love you too. And I want to hug you back so badly.....but all I have is these electric hugs....so here is my big one...((((((((((Annetta)))))))))). :) <3

      With Love and tenderness,
      Leah

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  2. I'm glad that card came at the right time. I made it a couple months ago, and have almost used it a few other times, but waited for the day that the prompting came.

    Love ya Sis!

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    1. Dear Julia,
      Yes, thank you so much for that card and every card you send. I cherish them next to my heart. I know so much effort goes into each and every and every one of them Just today I also received your wonderful pack of handmade cards for me to mail out, and give to my daughters and siblings. They are so dear, and so beautiful, it will hurt to part with them. It will be so easy to find the inspiration to put words in them. Getting the gumption to mail them or hand them over will be slightly more difficult.

      Your promptings are always spot on. You and I are perfect sisters, and I'm so glad I made you my Family. I have started my 10th day of Fasting for you, 7th unique day. I continue to grow and progress to an ever more brilliant and powerful communion with our Heavenly Parents, with each Fast. I am becoming enlightened, truly, because I needed correction as to the value and true purpose of fasting. I believe I am getting closer to thee, and closer and deeper with all my other loving relationships with the most wonderful family anyone could ever choose to have for themselves.

      With Love and Tenderness,
      Leah

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  3. Dear Leah,

    I am the former wife of a gay Mormon returned missionary, with whom I had 5 children who have greatly blessed my life and his. He and I are friends, but that only happened after about 20 years of bitterness and misunderstanding, mis-underKNOWING, really. There is hope for you and your children, and perhaps your ex-wife. I want to offer you that hope, and also to say...

    ... that I do not want to take another 20 years to have a sense of understanding for transgender persons like you. Your longings, your formerly hidden identity, are completely outside the realm of my experience and I am so uncomfortable with both you AND myself! I will read all of your blog posts this week... I will go to the two FB pages you have linked... Is there anything else you would recommend that will help me to be a person who could be a true friend to you or someone like you?

    Not that there's anyone who is "just like" you, of course!

    Thank you. I wish you all the best, including a deep sense of God's love guiding your life.

    Rea

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    1. Dear Rea,

      I want to thank you so much for your remarks. You offer me such kindness in your *willingness* to gain enlightenment and transcend common attitudes in out society such as Transphobia, and Homophobia. I am sorry my very existence makes you uncomfortable. I am however, quite happy that you are very uncomfortable with that unease, and that you desire to educate yourself on Trans* issues. It really is all about our identity, and not our sexuality.

      First and foremost it is "I"dentity, not "U"dentity. I am the only one who has any right or any business defining or expressing, discerning, or judging my identity. I feel that my salvation is in jeopardy if I continue to have a guileful life of living as a fake human being. It is said no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom. Being a fake human being is the most unclean thing imaginable.

      I very much look forward to you reading and commenting on more of my posts, and joining my groups. I would love to be your friend, you can friend me on facebook, I'll friend you back. You can always email me or pm me on fb with any questions you have. Or bring any questions to the Transgender Mormons and Allies Group. We are in the process of starting a new group for Parents and Children of Transgender Individuals, but a group that includes Spouses and LGBT as well, is also needed.

      I really do look forward to being your friend.

      With Love,
      Leah

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    2. Rea-

      Thank you for being so brave, and willing to admit your discomfort, along with your desire to learn. There is *nothing* more than any transgender person, or those who love and support them (Allies) could possibly ask of you!

      On my blog ( http://poetrysansonions.com/ ) I have been hosting a My Mormon Perspective Series. About half of those posts have been written by guest authors, adding the appropriate descriptor, from My Post, Gay, Liberal, Feminist and most recently, Leah's addition, My Transsexual Mormon Perspective.

      I get dozens of emails (on top of the comments left) each time there is a new post in the series. Those emails are usually in one of three categories, "cranky/abusive" with the desire to have the post taken down, "supportive/cheerleader" with encouragement to continue inviting diverse voices, and "uncomfortably thoughtful" seeing the reality of another person or interpreting scripture and core teachings in a radically different (but not "wrong") way. Those in the last category often request more information, places to look and try to understand better. Those are the emails that give me the most you!

      You give me hope, and I would love to invite you to write a My Constantly Expanding Mormon Perspective, anytime that might feel right to you.

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