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Thursday, March 14, 2013

HOME RULES: THE WRITING ON THE WALL

March 14, 2013,   Akron, Ohio (six feet under)

Sorry I haven't been blogging of late. I have been busy trying to organize my facebook  group, "Transgender Mormons and Allies". The group has been a wonderful godsend for me, as I have made so many great new friends, and all my best friends are there supporting and helping me. I have them to thank for the early success we have been able to achieve. I am beginning to have dreams about what kind of life is possible for me, and I am utterly amazed. If you are not already a member, I would urge you to go there and do so:https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/  Also, If you are not my friend on facebook yet, please friend me:    Here is the link for my page:https://www.facebook.com/Leah.Loreli

I have also had my families rejection of me weighing heavily on me. It just doesn't make any sense. It goes against everything I have ever been taught or learned my entire life. Nothing in my Religion or Church suggests that this is the way to treat people. Nothing about our ideology suggests this either. We are all devout Latter Day Saints (Mormons), and we are all Bleeding-Heart Pollyanna Liberals. My wife's folks divorced when they were young, but they always got along. Mine stayed together, but were highly disfunctional. Sure there were some not so great examples of how not to raise families, and not be a good spouse, but I truly thought we were avoiding those pitfalls. The more I think about this, the more i realize we never really had a marriage much past the first 4 years or so.

Foolish I was, to come out to my wife and daughters on New Years Eve thinking there would be any different result. It still doesn't explain the why. In our living room is hanging a large framed picture of our "HOME RULES". My wife has had it there for the past 15 years or so. Here is what it says:
1.  Always be honest. Proverbs 12:22
2.  Count your blessings. Psalms 34:1-5
3.  Bear each others burdens. Galations 6:2
4.  Forgive and forget. Micah 7:18
5.  Be kind and tender hearted. Ephesians 4:32
6.  Comfort one another.1 Thessalonians 4:18
7.  Keep your promises. Romans 4:21
8.  Be supportive of one another.  Acts 20:35
9.  Be True to each other.  Revelations 15:3
10. Look after each other.  Dueteronomy 15:11
11. Treat each other like you treat your friends. Matthew 7:12
12. But most important of all is, Love one another, deeply from the heart.  1 Peter 1:22

I love all of these Commandments. And lets face it, they are commandments that we as followers of Christ, must obey, if we expect to be called Saints to any degree whatsoever. The ice cold response I was given to my coming out was a direct violation of just about every one of these refrains.  I was duty bound to come out to them, and I'm duty bound to transition to my true self, anything less is dishonesty. Bearing each others burdens we both fall short on. an 18 year basement sequester will do this to you. Forgive and forget. I held my wife up as a perfect princess for at least 17 of those 18  years....ask my siblings about that one. They've been trying to get me to leave my wife for at least 16 years, to no avail. I actually have admitted that they were right.

Where was the kindness and tender heartedness? Never saw it. Where was the comfort? Never saw it. Where was the supportiveness? Never saw it. Being true to each other, I was in full violation, while pretending to be a man. 24 years of *my bad*. I was in full guile, my salvation was in jeopardy. No more! Did we look after each other? Not much. Did we treat each other like we treat our friends? Hardly. Did we love one another deeply from the heart? I thought so, at least for the first few years. Being rejected so instantaneously, and so matter-of-factly, I question if it was ever the case.

About a week ago I went upstairs for a late night snack, and while it was heating, I went into the living room.  I noticed a letter from my youngest daughter from BYU-Idaho. It was a month old, but I figured I would be finding some pleasant news about my thriving daughter. Instead my heart sank into deep dispair as I read the words (addressed to my wife), "I hope you have found the job in Ashland you wanted. You need to get out of Akron as soon as possible, like you want." Ashland is an hour south of here. My wife's sister lives there, and my oldest daughter wants to go to school there. So when was she going to tell me? Was she just going to move out while I'm away one weekend? Apparently, this is the end. This house is no longer my home. I have to pack up and I hate packing. I have way to many issues going on to deal with finding a place to store my stuff. I'm glad we have no assets to divy up, and we are renting, so no problem there.

I have decided that I cannot stay here in Akron and transition. I must move out of here and start new someplace else. I promise to fill you in on the details of some of my plans in my next post, in a day or two.

It is really hard for me. I never thought I would ever get divorced. I never wanted to think of myself as a quitter. I must rise above this and wish my wife well. I do love her, and wish all the best for her. She deserves a second chance to honor those "HOME RULES", with someone she can truly love. I make myself the promise that if I am ever so blessed to ever find love again, that I will, indeed honor the Home Rules that were so dishonored against me. And it will all be unconditional, for that is the only way I know how. Love is Love.

May you all love one another, and do so as your true selves. My name is Leah, and this is my wish for all of you. Thank you so much for supporting me, loving me and being my friend in this most difficult time in my life.




10 comments:

  1. i think there's a HUGE distinction between "quitting" and "letting go". first of all, quitting implies that there was no effort OR that there was actually *something* that you were leaving. and really, it sounds like things have been over for a long time. i don't think you're being fair to yourself right now. you put in the time and the effort and the commitment. and in the end, YOU didn't "quit" - your family did. and that's awful and sucks and i'm sorry. but if you're "real" family can't love you for who you are, then there are plenty of us out in the world who are more than happy to welcome you into ours!

    Lubs,
    Natalie

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    1. Natalie,
      Thank you for the kind reassurances and affirmation you have given me. You are right, I'm not a quitter after all. That makes me feel much better about myself. And yes, I know there are those of you that will welcome me in to your families. I can't tell you how grateful I am for this opportunity to share my life with others who are, and will soon be my family.

      Thank you for the love and friendship,
      Leah

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  2. A hard month, sweet friend. Chin up, and soldier on to your future. We are not given a spirit of fear, but hope. The world is full of love and there is love for you, though maybe not in your vicinity. I promise it IS and it is for you.

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  3. My Dear Sister Kuato,

    I am beginning to count on you as my bedrock of deepest support and affirmation. I feel so much love from you, that I can't help but smile and be cheerful each and every time I see you have posted something on facebook, left a remark, or commented on my blog, and especially hear your wonderful voice on the phone. You lift me up, when I need it, and I know your promise and friendship is true.

    Much love and hugs for you, (((((Kuato))))) <3
    Leah

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  4. Leah, I'm with Natalie. Giving yourself permission to let go is TOTALLY different than quitting, and you are NOT quitting. You are letting go.

    Deep breath now, friend. Sit back into the current of life's river and enjoy the ride!
    And....see you in PORTLAND!! xoxo

    Lisa

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    1. Lisa,
      I appreciate the idea that I need to give myself permission to "Let Go". It seems like what I'm doing is such a violation of what love is supposed to be all about. My way of thinking has been mistaken for so long, and I haven't given myself permission to do much of anything than wallow in a most debilitating and torturous kind of life. This isn't any kind of life, but more like a slow death.

      I choose life. I choose to give myself permission to life a beautiful life as my best true self, and let go of the pretending guileful one that fell short of all I aspire for my spouse and myself. It's going to hurt like hell, but I can let go.

      The current of life's river is something I have thought about for years. I should write a whole blog post about it. In short, I believe I have been drifting these past 20 years, just "going with the flow" acquiescing to the status-quo, of self inhibiting, impeding, detriment and despair. What is the cure for despair? Action. Kicking aginst the pricks and paddling upriver, to the celestial glacial headwaters. The confluence of life's river empties into perdition for those who gave life no effort.

      I need the reminder to take deep breaths, and there is going to be one hell of a ride to enjoy. Wait till Portland gets a load outta me!

      Thank you Lisa, XOXO
      Leah

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  5. The counselor I was seeing in the months leading up to leaving my first marriage told me something very profound in one of our first appointments. She said there are two kinds of people who are in unhappy marriages, and both kinds have to take complete responsibility for their own choice to stay. She asked me to think about which kind of person I was, so we could talk about it at the next appointment. The choices were:

    1) You would rather be miserable with the devil you know, than leave and find a new life that comes with no guarantees.

    2) You don't believe that you deserve more out of life than the marriage you have, and so you perpetuate the marriage, and the unhealthy cycles in it *because* you think this is what you deserve.

    After a lot of life experiences with friends who are in marriages that are "bad," abusive, without love, and the list could go on forever, they do all fall into one of these two categories.

    The fact that you are responsible for your choice to stay does not make the other person blameless, but it does put the burden for making a decision squarely on your shoulders. You have been unhappy for 18 years, and yet you chose to stay. I am not condemning you for that choice, but it has been your choice.

    If you are ready to make a different choice now, then you need to decide which category your reluctance/unwillingness to leave comes under, and then start addressing the core issues that you need to change inside of you so that you move on without the baggage and guilt that goes with the reason you stayed. It wasn't a phrase at the time, but I think her advice, in today's parlance, comes down to;

    "Own your shit! Own the consequences. Then throw out what you don't need anymore, and Own Your Life!"

    I am so proud of you for thinking through these things! ~ Your Sis Julia

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    1. My dearest Sister, Julia

      Holy Toledo, Baby. You lay'ed it down! I'd have to say I am a strong #2 type person. I always thought that I deserved being ostracized because I wasn't a good enough provider. That had to have been the reason. My In-Laws just didn't understand my depression. My sister committing suicide, and my mom and dad dying so very young, and losing our life savings to a con man, and losing 2 years of accumulated salary to another con man. I began to believe her families reasons for alienating me. I kept thinking, I'm going to show them that I am a descent man, a man who can earn a descent living for his family. I was so disconnected from my real self.

      My depression became increasingly worse until I could no longer reconcile being the woman I secretly knew I was, and pretending to be a man who could fulfill his heterodoxical gender role. I contemplated suicide daily. I even played out the exact method, which would be to drive my car off a bridge. Being honest about this to my therapist get me locked up in the hospital, and I lost my job for not giving notice. To add insult to injury, the whole Van rental debacle always came back to haunt me in all my job interviews. I can't tell you how many people wanted to hire me, but because of an innocent mistake I was blacklisted for many years.

      I realize that the wasting and squandering of the last 20 years is mine to own. But I also know that it has brought me to the person I am today. I have never been so close to loving who I am than I am right now. Maybe I needed to go through what I did to arrive at this point, I can't say for sure. What I do know is that I am unequivocally exited about the undiscovered country, and what my place in it holds, for the first time in 20 years.

      Thank you Julia, and so many others that are coaxing me into thinking about these things through, and teaching me that, *yes* I , indeed, deserve happiness, companionship, love, and success in my life. My gratitude is a storehouse of wealth, for you and my new family. I am humbly in your debt, and you're forever in my heart.

      All my love and tenderness,
      Leah

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  6. I love your above thoughts!!! I have been reading an amazing book called, Falling Upward, its about the spiritual two halves of life....he talks about the necessity of falling....and the value and purpose of it...and frankly, the gift....we cannot learn what it feels like to balance on a bike without falling first! And frankly, all roads to heaven lead through hell first. ;-) You are doing amazing!!! this is soo hard, and you are in such a stretch...but just remember the rubber band theory. The farther you stretch and pull a rubber band back, the further it will fly forward once its released!! <3

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    1. Scott & Katy,
      Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I remember the movie "Falling Down", and I know for sure I'm not doing that. 'Falling Upward' sounds very app-pro-pose to what is happening to me. I like the idea of enduring these hardships and challenges....perhaps to see if we truly mean it when we un-bury our "Talents" and proclaim we are shining them forth before the world. My whole life has been leading up to this moment, and I feel I am so ready. I'd be foolish to believe that though, because you can't ever be ready fore something like this. However, I know I'm the rubber band.....hence the title of this blog..."Go-At-Throttle-Up"...I'm a "GO" for afterburners on maximum...for breaking the binding gravity of the false, and reaching for the celestial liberty of truth.

      I appreciate you leaving me your remarks. They were very thought provoking. Thank you.

      In friendship with hugs XOXO
      Leah

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