March 14, 2013, Akron, Ohio (six feet under)
Sorry I haven't been blogging of late. I have been busy trying to organize my facebook group, "Transgender Mormons and Allies". The group has been a wonderful godsend for me, as I have made so many great new friends, and all my best friends are there supporting and helping me. I have them to thank for the early success we have been able to achieve. I am beginning to have dreams about what kind of life is possible for me, and I am utterly amazed. If you are not already a member, I would urge you to go there and do so:https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/ Also, If you are not my friend on facebook yet, please friend me: Here is the link for my page:https://www.facebook.com/Leah.Loreli
I have also had my families rejection of me weighing heavily on me. It just doesn't make any sense. It goes against everything I have ever been taught or learned my entire life. Nothing in my Religion or Church suggests that this is the way to treat people. Nothing about our ideology suggests this either. We are all devout Latter Day Saints (Mormons), and we are all Bleeding-Heart Pollyanna Liberals. My wife's folks divorced when they were young, but they always got along. Mine stayed together, but were highly disfunctional. Sure there were some not so great examples of how not to raise families, and not be a good spouse, but I truly thought we were avoiding those pitfalls. The more I think about this, the more i realize we never really had a marriage much past the first 4 years or so.
Foolish I was, to come out to my wife and daughters on New Years Eve thinking there would be any different result. It still doesn't explain the why. In our living room is hanging a large framed picture of our "HOME RULES". My wife has had it there for the past 15 years or so. Here is what it says:
1. Always be honest. Proverbs 12:22
2. Count your blessings. Psalms 34:1-5
3. Bear each others burdens. Galations 6:2
4. Forgive and forget. Micah 7:18
5. Be kind and tender hearted. Ephesians 4:32
6. Comfort one another.1 Thessalonians 4:18
7. Keep your promises. Romans 4:21
8. Be supportive of one another. Acts 20:35
9. Be True to each other. Revelations 15:3
10. Look after each other. Dueteronomy 15:11
11. Treat each other like you treat your friends. Matthew 7:12
12. But most important of all is, Love one another, deeply from the heart. 1 Peter 1:22
I love all of these Commandments. And lets face it, they are commandments that we as followers of Christ, must obey, if we expect to be called Saints to any degree whatsoever. The ice cold response I was given to my coming out was a direct violation of just about every one of these refrains. I was duty bound to come out to them, and I'm duty bound to transition to my true self, anything less is dishonesty. Bearing each others burdens we both fall short on. an 18 year basement sequester will do this to you. Forgive and forget. I held my wife up as a perfect princess for at least 17 of those 18 years....ask my siblings about that one. They've been trying to get me to leave my wife for at least 16 years, to no avail. I actually have admitted that they were right.
Where was the kindness and tender heartedness? Never saw it. Where was the comfort? Never saw it. Where was the supportiveness? Never saw it. Being true to each other, I was in full violation, while pretending to be a man. 24 years of *my bad*. I was in full guile, my salvation was in jeopardy. No more! Did we look after each other? Not much. Did we treat each other like we treat our friends? Hardly. Did we love one another deeply from the heart? I thought so, at least for the first few years. Being rejected so instantaneously, and so matter-of-factly, I question if it was ever the case.
About a week ago I went upstairs for a late night snack, and while it was heating, I went into the living room. I noticed a letter from my youngest daughter from BYU-Idaho. It was a month old, but I figured I would be finding some pleasant news about my thriving daughter. Instead my heart sank into deep dispair as I read the words (addressed to my wife), "I hope you have found the job in Ashland you wanted. You need to get out of Akron as soon as possible, like you want." Ashland is an hour south of here. My wife's sister lives there, and my oldest daughter wants to go to school there. So when was she going to tell me? Was she just going to move out while I'm away one weekend? Apparently, this is the end. This house is no longer my home. I have to pack up and I hate packing. I have way to many issues going on to deal with finding a place to store my stuff. I'm glad we have no assets to divy up, and we are renting, so no problem there.
I have decided that I cannot stay here in Akron and transition. I must move out of here and start new someplace else. I promise to fill you in on the details of some of my plans in my next post, in a day or two.
It is really hard for me. I never thought I would ever get divorced. I never wanted to think of myself as a quitter. I must rise above this and wish my wife well. I do love her, and wish all the best for her. She deserves a second chance to honor those "HOME RULES", with someone she can truly love. I make myself the promise that if I am ever so blessed to ever find love again, that I will, indeed honor the Home Rules that were so dishonored against me. And it will all be unconditional, for that is the only way I know how. Love is Love.
May you all love one another, and do so as your true selves. My name is Leah, and this is my wish for all of you. Thank you so much for supporting me, loving me and being my friend in this most difficult time in my life.