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Thursday, December 27, 2012

IT'S A LONG WAY to the TOP, IF YA WANNA BE A GIRL

So....I have not posted for a few weeks as I have been involved with quite a few holiday activities, volunteering and making new and wonderful friends on facebook. I am a Holiday Orphan, meaning I am left on my own for all Holidays and Family get-togethers. Being ostracized is a terrible thing, and I would never inflict it upon anybody, for any reason. It doesn't make me want to do anything to rebuild the burned and bombed out bridges. I loved these people, and they just shut me out 17 years ago, turning off their love for me , like it was as simple as a light switch. Anybody who can conditionalize their love for you so willy-nilly, is undeserving of any rebuilding of family ties. That's the way I feel about it now. I still love them all very much.

Christmas has come and gone. Our 24th Anniversary came and went, on the 17th. I was shot down in flames for wanting to take my wife out on a date, a week before. A few days later, she apologized, saying, "I was cleaning the piano and discovered the cats had been peeing on it, and I took it out on you, I'm sorry. Do you still want to go out Monday?" I said that, yes, I did. So we went out. I had been planning to come out to her over dinner, but the time never seemed right, and we were enjoying ourselves. The spirit told me to hold off on that. Later that week I was invited to a Birthday party, as Leah. I went, all dressed to the nines. I had a wonderful time conversing with my friend and making new friends, playing pool, and dancing, it was a blast. I got pulled into the ladies room several times, for refreshing our lipstick, even to borrow my lipstick, and to gab and gossip. I was just accepted as one of the girls, without question. It felt awesome, and very affirmational. To be looked upon and treated as the woman that I am, oh, what a feeling!

Just a few days earlier I had attended my monthly transgender support group and had a wonderful time in my red Christmas dress. Afterward we went shopping at some major department stores. I was surprised that no one reacted negatively, just a few long looks and smiles. I smile back, and get more courage every time. We went to Burger King to get 55 cent Whoppers. Then it happened. It was going to happen, sooner or later. I had to use the bathroom, and I was Leah. There was no hiding it. I had to use the Women's Restroom, for the first time. I was a little nervous, but I just walked right in. There was no one there, so it went smoothly. I came out and washed my hands, then a couple of women came in. They looked at me, and one said, "oh, I love your shoes, and your pearls." So, now I know, I will be okay if I have pretty shoes and bling. Ha!

Last Wednesday, was one of my Boards, Annual meeting. We were discussing many things and voting. One subject came up that we had been working on for a while, our Re-Branding and name change. It came up that we were really only voting on changing our public persona, our corporate name would stay the same. This was a big surprise to me, as we had been discussing this for nearly a year, and we had serious discussions with professionals during the summer. This dichotomy never came up, although my activity diminished in September and October because of my working on the Obama Re-Election Campaign. So I spoke up in opposition to the dichotomy and I likened it unto myself. I had no idea I was going to come out to my entire Board of Directors, but here I was, discussing myself. "I am Transgender. I am a woman. I am coming out, and in the transition process. I am living in this public persona as Bob, but this is a facade, my real self is Leah, and the sooner I get everything switched over to being Leah, the better. It is quite burdonsome being Bob and Leah, both a man and a woman. I voice my opposition to maintaining our corporate name as the same, in this vein. When we vote to re-brand, it should change our public and private name together." As I was saying that, and I said additional things, but that is the gist, the whole room slowed down. It seemed as if the entire Board was moving in slow motion, and I was the only one in real time. My senses...one, two, three, four, five...senses working over--time! I had acquired heightened awareness, and I could see each and everyone's full reaction to my coming out to them. Including, my CEO (whom I was already privately out to), who dropped her jaw, mouth agape, as were several others, many eyebrows raised. But all that was quickly switched over to smiles, and tears of happiness. The business of the Board carried on, and eventually the meeting was over.

After the meeting, everyone swarmed me, to give me hugs and congratulations. Everyone stated that they support me, and are proud and honored that I came out to them, and that I was brave to be my true self. One member asked, "what did you just say?" He is a prominent member of the community. He had no idea what transgender is, so I explained to him. The more I explained the happier he became. He gave me a bear hug, and said, "Now I don't ever want to see you in pants again. Wear your prettiest dress, and you be yourself." Then he proclaimed in a loud voice, "I have never been so proud to be a part of this Board!" He loves AC/DC, and Karaoke, and knows I do too, and he asked, "Will you still be singing,'It's a Long Way To The Top, If Ya Wanna Rock-n-Roll?" "In a Princess Dress!", I answered. To roaring applause and laughter. I felt On Top Of the World at that moment.

So, a lot of monumental firsts, for a transgender person, have been going on in the last 2 weeks. I have made three new friends on Facebook, that to me are monumental. These woman are so remarkable, and such a godsend, during my sad and lonely Christmas, that they have put me on cloud nine. They are not only as sisters, they are my sisters, my Sissy's , in fact. I love them dearly, and I want to thank them for finding me, and I am so grateful that I was given this opportunity to find you.

Just today, I was asked by another friend, to start a new facebook group for transgender Mormons and Allies. That is the name of it:  Transgender Mormons and Allies   Here is the link;
https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/             I hope many of you will join this discussion group and be a part of it. We later will form a sister group to it that will have a focus on activism within and without the Church.

Finally, the Coup-de-Grat!  The Mother of all Coming Out events!  I have set a hard date for coming out to my wife!  Can you believe this? This is really happening. I am a girl, and she is going to be free to be herself. No more guile. At least this will go a long way to the greatest shedding of it. I have no idea what her reaction will be. I may be homeless in a few days. I may be told, "we already knew this". I will be coming out to my 3 daughters as well. They are age 23 (just yesterday), 21 (on Jan 6), and just 19 (Nov.3) home from BYU-Idaho, for the holidays. I am scared to death. I may be in for some time in hell. They may go straight to the Bishop, and get be in trouble, with my standing. I just don't know. I do know that this is the time and this is the place. No more lies!  Wish me luck please. I would appreciate any words of support you can leave as a comment for me.  Thank you so very very much, for being my friend, and reading my blog. I hope to see you again soon.

Merry Christmas, Happy Kwaanza, Seasons Greetings, Happy-Joyous Holidays, Happy Lucky 13 New Year, and everything! ;)

All My Love,

Leah










10 comments:

  1. Well, Leah Grace! Here i was Reading your blog. I dontknow you,I never see you but you made me laugh while i was reading it.
    Theses are the Hopes,Wishes,Dreams,the life and times of a Transgender,wow Love this title really powerful.You are making excellent job in let us know how is your life and their life of many Transexual LDS. Thank.
    They part really enjoy was when you wanted to go to bathroom and was nervous and girls told you : I love your shoes ans pearls hahaha I can Imagine that situation You are Valient and now you know that nothing wrong happened. The same at job. You are sourrounded by great people.
    As for your wife, I would ike to say : Best wishes,good luck. Go with your Head in high. You will no lose nothing.
    The Lord wants to see you happy, He wants all good for his "Childrens" .
    Be yourself. Be Leah!
    God bless you and blees the undersanding of all people to acept you as you are.
    Love, Daniel Cherey;Corrientes -Argetinea.

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    1. Dear Dani,

      I want to express my sincere heartfelt gratitude for the kind and flattering comment you have left me. Writing it was worth it if this is all I were to get. You really made my night, and I want to thank you for that.

      You are from Argentina, and there is a language barrier, but I notice you said you got quite a laugh from what I wrote. In hinesight my life sure does seem humorous. I am tickled pink to see that others get it, even in translation.

      I forgot to mention two women stopped me in the foyer of the Burger King and remarked how pretty I was, and that my candy apple red Christmas shoes were so fabulous. If I go through the whole day, a different woman remarked on just about every aspect of my dress, and accessories, my hair, nails, makeup and jewelry. It must be common for women to edify each other, because I sure was having it heaped in me, by the wheel barrel load.

      Thank you again, for your tender kindness and edifying words. You are much appreciated by me. I hope you will join my blog and continue on my journey with me. Yes, I am surrounded by great people, you are one of them.

      Much Love and Well Wishes, Leah, Akron, Ohio, USA.

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  2. LEAH!! What an awesome blog post!!! And I love your pictures. Thank you for being willing to explain things to people who are just uneducated on these issues (meaning me). I am so glad we became friends. I strongly believe that before we were here on earth, I was one of those that stood up for folks like you....you know, the EXTRA noble, courageous, and just plain AWESOME.

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    1. Dear Lori,
      Thank you so much for being my friend and for all your beauty and kindness. Did you read my Patriarchal Blessing? I was the Noble, courageous and Valiant, and I'm so blessed to find my Awesome friends from that world, in this one. That is an extra special blessing. Feel free to ask me any questions you have about me or Trans issues here, so I can answer them here, for everyone. Please make any suggestions as well. Thanks again, Lori, you Rock.

      Much Love,
      Leah-Lori

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  3. Well, my dear friend, I think you are ready to come out to your family, too. You've had some practice at it and you are at peace with the outcome, whatever it is. I so wish that coming-outs were less traumatic but truly our identities aren't always easy to nail at first, and our social conditioning can be very strongly "interpreting" our feelings for us.

    I really do hope that your family can be comforted, by your different love for them, and by the God that loves all. May the truth set you all free to be yourselves and find new happiness in it.

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    1. Dear Kuato,
      I want to thank you so much for your friendship. I owe so much to you, in that you connected me with so many others, and helped me arrive at the place I am at.

      I think I am ready for this, but I have to keep reminding myself that yes, this is really happening. This is not a dream. My 45 years of knowing who I am, since i was 4, is no longer a hidden dream...hidden by my guileful self. I wish that "coming outs" weren't so traumatic too. Now that you mention "different" love, it is my family who will be going through a bigger transition than me. I went through the different thing 45 years ago, and all those years to cement my identity. They will view me in a completely different light (if the information truly is new to them). But, my love for them is strong, and I hope they can understand that.

      The truth will set me free, but it requires much "kicking against the pricks", that is to say, celestial glory is at the glacial headwaters of the river of life, the pricks are all aimed in a fashion that paddling upstream, ensures that you will be injured from time to time. Life is much easier to just go with the status-quo flow, making no effort, just floating downstream, flowing with the pricks, never getting injured. But then the oceans of perdition appear, and it's all to late to change your life around. Thankfully, the darkness is still far off, and those glaciers, I remember them, they are firmly in my mind and implanted on my heart and soul.

      God Bless You, Kuato.
      Much Love,
      Leah

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  4. Thank you for sharing your link hun. I love your coming out at work part, it is almost identical to my own experience. The laughter and tears from those of who also walk this path are so very real. Thanks for being my friend. Ali Samantha.

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  5. Dear Alasandra,
    Thank you so much for finding me here and sharing my journey. I'm glad you enjoy it, and that it makes sense, and hits home. It is very real isn't it. I am so thankful and happy to be your friend. Thank you for being my friend, hun. Big hugs, XXXXX.

    With Love,
    Leah.

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  6. You are one amazing woman, Leanorah. I will be saying a few extra prayers for you while you are going through this coming out process.

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    1. Dear Amber,
      Thank you for your kindness and prayers. I will be needing them, and I know they will help me. I hope you feel welcome to keep coming back and sharing in my journey.
      With Love,
      Leah.

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