Monday, November 19, 2012
ON BEING A CRY BABY AND FINDING CLOSURE
Back in the Summer of 2001, at my Father's funeral (he died of Prostate Cancer at 63), a couple of things of note took place. This was the culmination of a devastating period of time for my family. Just a few years prior, my Mother died at age 54 from myriad untreated issues relating to diabetes, high blood pressure, angina, strokes and brain annuerisms, obesity and heart disease. For one reason or another, my Mother fell through the cracks of the American Health Care System, which I utterly despise, and have not a darn good thing to say about it. Just a few years prior to that, my dear 14 year old sister, Amy, took her own life, with my dads 22 pistol. My brother having heard the shot, ran in to hold her head, his fingers slipping into the wound, must have been something awful that I cannot imagine. My Family was going through utter Hell. My little sister had lost her closest sister in age, when she was 13, her Mom when she 15, and kicked out of the house by her new (and Evil) step-mom at 17, and her Dad at 19. She has gone through so much more than I have. I can't comprehend those things happening to me.
During my Father's funeral, one of his most loyal clients (he was a Barber) spoke, "Pete was a man who lived his life without GUILE!" That was the first thing of remarkable note. It didn't dawn on me that it was notable until THIS YEAR! I now realize that that is the greatest and most wonderful words that could ever be uttered about someone at their funeral. To live a life without lies, without hiding the truth, without being a fake human being. I realized I am guilty of all those things, if I were to remain closeted, as "Bob". Bob is not bad, but he is an utter lie, a disguise, facade, a completely fake human being. My Salvation would be in dire jeopardy if I were to life my life out as Bob. I know this for absolute certainty with all my heart. For I know that I am a woman, I am Leah, and I have known this since age 4. I have gotten many reaffirming witnesses that I am Female and that my spirit is also female. I must throw off this armor of GUILE THAT KILLS THE SOUL AND DIMINISHES THE HUMANITY OF A PERSON. I really would be honored if someone spoke at my funeral, "Leah was a woman who lived her life without GUILE! She got a late start, but she made the best of her situation." That is all I want. That is what I aspire to do.
Secondly, the thing of note, happened after the funeral, at the dinner. My brother remarked to me, "Man, I don't know how you keep it together. You go through all these funerals so stalwart, so stiff upper lipped, like a rock! I admire you, how you hold it together. I can't believe how you delivered three eulogies, and never broke down, never teared up. You are amazing bro!" That made me full of myself at the time, even though I knew I had accomplished a good piece of acting. My insides were wanting nothing more than to break down in uncontrollable sobbing. I was an emotional, but very well hidden, wreck. Again, not till this year, did I come to realize that this statement has contributed to my "Coming Out" Epiphany. I have wanted to cry all my life. Inside, in my heart, I am always crying, always teary and emotional and very delicate. I am a decidedly delicate soul, and although I may appear to be holding it together, I am devastated by hurt and loss, and lovelorn. Without any planning or effort, I have recently noticed a new ability that I heretofore have never had. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks...but let me tell you, I never had this in any bag of tricks, ever. I have gained some continuity of emotions between my brain, my mind, my spirit, soul, heart, and now finally, my body. My body no longer flatly denies me the ability to let my emotions flow. This has been a godsend for me. I can be my true self, and begin to heal myself.
This past Saturday, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a most solemn and spiritual event that memorializes and recognizes the hundreds of murders against Transgender persons annually. This Cleveland event took place with a vigil and march downtown to City Hall, where we gathered inside. As the names of the wonderful GUILELESS people were read, and the place and how they were killed, I began to tear up. Soon I was so emotional, so overcome with the loving truth these souls gave to us and the world, I felt an astounding sense of personal loss. I thought about my sister, Amy, and that I hadn't properly mourned her. It further fueled my tears until an absolute river began to pour out, like never before in my life. I couched downbent over forward in my seat to hide my face. I felt the warm hands of the person next to me, a kind man, and new friend, began to console me in my emotional flow. He helped make this moment one of the most incredible things I have ever felt or experienced. When I got home that night I got online and talked about it, and someone noted that it was a life changing event for me that provided some needed closure. YES, that is exactly what this was.
I like being a cry baby, or at least the ability to cry when I feel like crying. I've never had that before, and I'm not even on hormones yet. Maybe all it took was my commitment to throwing off my guileful life, and beginning to accept my true self. I am happy with the new road I am traveling so far. I'm loving my life. Life is truly great, and I am a Happy girl!
I have attached some photos I took when I got home Saturday night, realizing I forgot to take some up in Cleveland. It didn't seem appropriate at the time. But I never want to forget the feeling I had, and the fact that it was my public debut as Leah. So enjoy a couple more.
I hope you found this enjoyable,
All My Love, Leah-Loreli