Amazon MP3 Clips

Monday, November 19, 2012

ON BEING A CRY BABY AND FINDING CLOSURE

So you think I'm a cry baby? Well you might be right. I just might be a baby too. I'm a thumb sucker and have overactive bladder, sometimes needing pads. But, that's another post for some other day. I've taken notice lately of the fact that I recently have taken to crying at the drop of a dime. I have been extremely emotional of late. I don't know what to make of it, but I can say I have never felt better in my entire life.

Back in the Summer of 2001, at my Father's funeral (he died of Prostate Cancer at 63), a couple of things of note took place. This was the culmination of a devastating period of time for my family. Just a few years prior, my Mother died at age 54 from myriad untreated issues relating to diabetes, high blood pressure, angina, strokes and brain annuerisms, obesity and heart disease. For one reason or another, my Mother fell through the cracks of the American Health Care System, which I utterly despise, and have not a darn good thing to say about it. Just a few years prior to that, my dear 14 year old sister, Amy, took her own life, with my dads 22 pistol. My brother having heard the shot, ran in to hold her head, his fingers slipping into the wound, must have been something awful that I cannot imagine. My Family was going through utter Hell. My little sister had lost her closest sister in age, when she was 13, her Mom when she 15, and kicked out of the house by her new (and Evil) step-mom at 17, and her Dad at 19. She has gone through so much more than I have. I can't comprehend those things happening to me.

During my Father's funeral, one of his most loyal clients (he was a Barber) spoke, "Pete was a man who lived his life without GUILE!" That was the first thing of remarkable note. It didn't dawn on me that it was notable until THIS YEAR! I now realize that that is the greatest and most wonderful words that could ever be uttered about someone at their funeral. To live a life without lies, without hiding the truth, without being a fake human being. I realized I am guilty of all those things, if I were to remain closeted, as "Bob". Bob is not bad, but he is an utter lie, a disguise, facade, a completely fake human being. My Salvation would be in dire jeopardy if I were to life my life out as Bob. I know this for absolute certainty with all my heart. For I know that I am a woman, I am Leah, and I have known this since age 4. I have gotten many reaffirming witnesses that I am Female and that my spirit is also female. I must throw off this armor of GUILE THAT KILLS THE SOUL AND DIMINISHES THE HUMANITY OF A PERSON. I really would be honored if someone spoke at my funeral, "Leah was a woman who lived her life without GUILE! She got a late start, but she made the best of her situation." That is all I want. That is what I aspire to do.

Secondly, the thing of note, happened after the funeral, at the dinner. My brother remarked to me, "Man, I don't know how you keep it together. You go through all these funerals so stalwart, so stiff upper lipped, like a rock! I admire you, how you hold it together. I can't believe how you delivered three eulogies, and never broke down, never teared up. You are amazing bro!"  That made me full of myself at the time, even though I knew I had accomplished a good piece of acting. My insides were wanting nothing more than to break down in uncontrollable sobbing. I was an emotional, but very well hidden, wreck. Again, not till this year, did I come to realize that this statement has contributed to my "Coming Out" Epiphany. I have wanted to cry all my life. Inside, in my heart, I am always crying, always teary and emotional and very delicate. I am a decidedly delicate soul, and although I may appear to be holding it together, I am devastated by hurt and loss, and lovelorn. Without any planning or effort, I have recently noticed a new ability that I heretofore have never had. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks...but let me tell you, I never had this in any bag of tricks, ever. I have gained some continuity of emotions between my brain, my mind, my spirit, soul, heart, and now finally, my body. My body no longer flatly denies me the ability to let my emotions flow. This has been a godsend for me. I can be my true self, and begin to heal myself.

This past Saturday, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a most solemn and spiritual event that memorializes and recognizes the hundreds of murders against Transgender persons annually. This Cleveland event took place with a vigil and march downtown to City Hall, where we gathered inside. As the names of the wonderful GUILELESS people were read, and the place and how they were killed, I began to tear up. Soon I was so emotional, so overcome with the loving truth these souls gave to us and the world, I felt an astounding sense of personal loss. I thought about my sister, Amy, and that I hadn't properly mourned her. It further fueled my tears until an absolute river began to pour out, like never before in my life. I couched downbent over forward in my seat to hide my face. I felt the warm hands of the person next to me, a kind man, and new friend, began to console me in my emotional flow. He helped make this moment one of the most incredible things I have ever felt or experienced. When I got home that night I got online and talked about it, and someone noted that it was a life changing event for me that provided some needed closure. YES, that is exactly what this was.

I like being a cry baby, or at least the ability to cry when I feel like crying. I've never had that before, and I'm not even on hormones yet. Maybe all it took was my commitment to throwing off my guileful life, and beginning to accept my true self. I am happy with the new road I am traveling so far. I'm loving my life. Life is truly great, and I am a Happy girl!

I have attached some photos I took when I got home Saturday night, realizing I forgot to take some up in Cleveland. It didn't seem appropriate at the time. But I never want to forget the feeling I had, and the fact that it was my public debut as Leah. So enjoy a couple more.

I hope you found this enjoyable,
All My Love,    Leah-Loreli

6 comments:

  1. Isn't being able to freely express emotion wonderfully liberating?

    This was something I too didn't seem to be able to do before, but desperately wanted too. I could tear up at church while giving a talk or bearing my testimony, but that was about it. I got embarrassed if anyone ever saw me tear up watching a movie. I however probably didn't need to worry about tears always flowing. They rarely could; something stopped them. I seriously wondered why I was so "hardened" and what was wrong with me. The emotions were always there, but I didn't trust myself to feel them. I had my own facade going that I protected at all costs.

    You are right, it is so wonderful now. I'm more emotional than my wife, which is kind of weird. Is this because of hormones? I don't know. It's easy to say so but really who cares? I'm sure you're right, this has more to do with having torn that hideous restraining wall we both erected around our souls. Now that it's down, our spirits can finely emerge, free to be and express themselves in all their beauty. It is wonderfully liberating!

    I seriously doubt we can be criticized for having lived a life of guile. I'm not so sure we really did, depends on how you look at it. We did what was necessary for survival, plain and simple. I don't know about you, but a good part of me believed my own lies. My church, family and everyone else supported these lies, believed them themselves, and taught them as truth. I believed these significant people. Yeah, deep down I knew better, but would always doubt that inner voice labeling it a satanic lie.

    I wholly agree that to continue living a false existence puts our eternal salvation in grave peril. We now recognize the lie for what it is - a lie. Father now expects us to do something about it, which we are doing. He is preparing the way. I have things still to do and learn in this life and I can only do and learn them as myself, Amber. I too know this with absolute certainty.

    From one crybaby to another,
    Amber

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much Amber for your beautiful heartfelt comment. What is amazing is that I'm not even on hormones yet. From what I understand, I wont feel any differently, but what I feel will be greatly enhanced. I'm down with that. I already cry when any Sister giving a talk or testimony cries. I don't think love or emotions are use them or lose them. I think they have been stored up all these years and are just dying to be released. Yes, we have much to do and learn, that can only be done as our best true selves. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

    All My Love,
    Leah

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am very glad you have been freed by allowing yourself to experience your emotions. Much love and happiness to you. *hugs* :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Japheth! I think I joined the Human Race! Big *Hugs* back to you. ;)

      Delete
  4. You are amazing Leah... Hugs .. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much Shirin. Your friendship with me means so much to me already, I can hardly express in words what you mean to me. You have really lifted my spirits today, and I will never forget it. I hope to see you around here often, and I hope you will take the time to catch-up on my posts from the beginning. See you soon. Hugs back, Love, Leah. XOXO

    ReplyDelete